We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant. We shared the news with our family around six weeks. We got to see the baby on the 13 week ultrasound and all was well. I recall being the sickest during any pregnancy that I have ever been. I did the mail-in gender test to see what it would say at 9 weeks and it came back saying we were having a boy. I couldn't wait to actually find out at 20 weeks if it was right.

At 17 weeks, I had bleeding and went to the ER alone the next day. They did an ultrasound and said there was a sub chorionic hemorrhage but the baby looked good. They booked me to come back in three days for a follow up ultrasound. My husband went with me to the follow up. During this ultrasound we were told the chorioamniotic separation was all the way around and I was put on bed rest.

Shortly after, I had excruciating pain and could not move. My husband took me back to the ER. The OB consulted with a specialist at Mount Sinai who said the pregnancy would not be successful and it would be a matter of time and that I may have an infection and she was concerned about me. She gave us the option to induce birth that night and terminate the pregnancy or go home and wait for it to happen which she felt was risky because of how far I was and the possible infection. I was almost 19 weeks pregnant.  

We asked for some time to think as I was so afraid and didn't know what was going on. We made a decision that we needed to end the pregnancy that night. The baby was still alive at that point which still breaks my heart. But we were told the baby wouldn't survive.

I remember feeling so afraid. The doctor had asked before I gave birth if we wanted to see the baby and we had not thought about that. We didn't go to the hospital that night thinking I would have to give birth.

He was so small but so perfect. They wrapped him up in a knitted outfit and blanket and gave him to me. I had him on my chest for so long and just examined every inch of him. We named him Cole. They brought me a bassinet and I put Cole in there when I slept. The nurses kept coming in to check me just like after a regular birth. We spent the entire night and all next day in the hospital with Cole. When we had to leave I felt horrible just leaving my child there. It was the worst day of my life. My time with him had ended.

I came across Bridget's Bunnies from a group I follow on Facebook. I contacted them via Facebook and asked if I could receive a kit. I felt very comforted by Theresa and she was there to talk to, which was nice. I received my kit in the mail shortly after. I felt so thankful. I read both books and found them to be immensely helpful for me. I still read parts of them.  I also loved the baby book. I still write in it. I loved having the personal note as well. It felt nice that someone thought of me. On Cole’s birthday I spent the night hugging my bunny and crying.  I also looked through the mementos the hospital gave me on his birthday.

That kit gave me the idea to connect with my hospital and ask if I could raise funds to donate kits to them. They were onboard with the idea and I did a raffle fundraiser around Christmas time last year. I raised enough to donate 20 kits to the hospital. They were so happy and so grateful. I wish that I had received a kit when I left the hospital because you are so lost and just don't know what to do. The kit really helped me and I'm glad I could contribute to helping others as well. It makes me feel like my son’s short life did some good. 

Alia - Cole’s Mom